Britain has gone mad.

[Klebe]

REST OF THE WORLD VERSION:

The squirrel works hard in the withering heat all summer long, building and improving his house and laying up supplies for the winter. The grasshopper thinks he's a fool, and laughs and dances and plays the summer away.

Come winter, the squirrel is warm and well fed. The shivering grasshopper has no food or shelter, so he dies out in the cold.

THE END

THE BRITISH VERSION:

The squirrel works hard in the withering heat all summer long, building his house and laying up supplies for the winter. The grasshopper thinks he's a fool, and laughs and dances and plays the summer away. Come winter, the squirrel is warm and well fed.

A social worker finds the shivering grasshopper, calls a press conference and demands to know why the squirrel should be allowed to be warm and well fed while others less fortunate, like the grasshopper, are cold and starving. The BBC shows up to provide live coverage of the shivering grasshopper; with cuts to a video of the squirrel in his comfortable warm home with a table laden with food.

The British press inform people that they should be ashamed that in a country of such wealth, this poor grasshopper is allowed to suffer so while others have plenty. The Labour Party, Greenpeace, Animal Rights and The Grasshopper Council of GB demonstrate in front of the squirrel's house.

The BBC, interrupting a cultural festival special from Notting Hill with breaking news, broadcasts a multi cultural choir singing "We Shall Overcome". Ken Livingstone rants in an interview with Trevor McDonald that the squirrel has gotten rich off the backs of grasshoppers, and calls for an immediate tax hike on the squirrel to make him pay his "fair share" and increases the charge for squirrels to enter inner London.

In response to pressure from the media, the Government drafts the Economic Equity and Grasshopper Anti Discrimination Act, retroactive to the

beginning of the summer. The squirrels's taxes are reassessed. He is taken to court and fined for failing to hire grasshoppers as builders for the work he was doing on his home and an additional fine for contempt when he told the court the grasshopper did not want to work.

The grasshopper is provided with a council house, financial aid to furnish it and an account with a local taxi firm to ensure he can be socially mobile. The squirrels food is siezed and re distributed to the more needy members of society, in this case the grasshopper.

Without enough money to buy more food, to pay the fine and his newly imposed retroactive taxes, the squirrel has to downsize and start building a new home. The local authority takes over his old home and utilises it as a temporary home for asylum seeking cats who had hijacked a plane to get to Britainas they had to share their country of origin with mice. On arrival they tried to blow up the airport because of Britainsapparent love of dogs.

The cats had been arrested for the international offence of hijacking and attempt bombing but were immediately released because the police fed them pilchards instead of salmon whilst in custody. Initial moves to then return them to their own country were abandoned because it was feared they would face death by the mice. The cats devise and start a scam to obtain money from peoples credit cards.

A Panorama special shows the grasshopper finishing up the last of the squirrels's food, though Spring is still months away, while the council house he is in, crumbles around him because he hasn't bothered to maintain the house. He is shown to be taking drugs. Inadequate government funding is blamed for the grasshoppers drug 'illness'.

The cats seek recompense in the British courts for their treatment since arrival in UK.

The grasshopper gets arrested for stabbing an old dog during a burglary to get money for his drugs habit. He is imprisoned but released immediately because he has been in custody for a few weeks. He is placed in the care of the probation service to monitor and supervise him. Within a few weeks he has killed a guinea pig in a botched robbery.

A commission of enquiry, that will eventually cost ?10,000,000 and state the obvious, is set up.

Additional money is put into funding a drug rehabilitation scheme for grasshoppers and legal aid for lawyers representing asylum seekers is increased. The asylum seeking cats are praised by the government for enriching Britain's multicultural diversity and dogs are criticised by the government for failing to befriend the cats.

The grasshopper dies of a drug overdose. The usual sections of the press blame it on the obvious failure of government to address the root causes of despair arising from social inequity and his traumatic experience of prison. They call for the resignation of a minister.

The cats are paid a million pounds each because their rights were infringed when the government failed to inform them there were mice in the United Kingdom.

The squirrel, the dogs and the victims of the hijacking, the bombing, the burglaries and robberies have to pay an additional percentage on their credit cards to cover losses, their taxes are increased to pay for law and order and they are told that they will have to work beyond 65 because of a shortfall in government funds.

THE END

[Mr. Furness]

that is both very funny and at the same time makes me want to cry just a little bit because of the truths involved.

[Patrick]

that is both very funny and at the same time makes me want to cry just a little bit because of the truths involved.

I don't really want to start an argument I'm not going to be around to finish, especially on a topic like this,but...

...as someone who has been involved (very slightly) in the Kafka-esque experiences of an asylum seeker trying to avoid being sent back to a certain Middle Eastern country with a record of indefinitely imprisoning people who - like him - had written articles critical of the government, it reads to me like a pile of steaming right-wing crap. There are many, many things wrong with Britain just now but the idea that asylum seekers get money, homes, TVs etc showered on them while they are simultaneously plotting to rob us blind and blow us up is a tabloid fantasy.

Patrick

[Gnitworp]

Although much unfair advantage is taken, isn't the fact that asylum seekers want to come here an indication that, for all its shortcomings, Britain is a place where they know people are, for the most part, fairly and justly treated?
Personally, I'm glad I live here, and not scared to breathe in some Third World dictatorship; somewhere where great public forums like Nopesport are encouraged.

[Toni]

not the place for politics - surely this is a case where nopecartel should not only lock the strand but also delete it?????

[Lil' God'rs]

Brilliant

isn't the fact that asylum seekers want to come here an indication that, for all its shortcomings, Britain is a place where they know people are, for the most part, fairly and justly treated?

.. or Britain is just seen as a soft-touch

[Gnitworp]

Could be, but long live tolerance.

[bendover]

hear hear patrick.

having also been involved with projects supporting/researching asylum seekers and refugees, i can vouch that there living conditions are generally not ideal, and in general they would prefer to be back in their own countries were it not for the persecution and often life threatening conditions they would often face it they were to return.

[Axel]

Long live tolerance I agree, however the facts are that we in the south bear the brunt of where most of the asylum seekers and illegal immagrants that flood into this country want to settle.

Someone sometime will have to sort out this mess and it no good listening to bigots like 2 Shags who thinks the answer is to build concrete jungles the length and breadth of the south of England. Where the hell are we going to Orienteer in the future!!!

Patrick,

What a bunch of left wing tolerant burghers you lot north of boarder are, thumping hell out of children and the disabled for wearing their countries football shirts. Oh and by the way its predicted that in the not to distant future 10% of people living in your fair lands will be English. Will you be welcoming us with open arms by the looks of it not. Be prepared you lot up there by then might be feeling how we in the south feel now.

[J.Tullster]

What a bunch of left wing tolerant burghers you lot north of boarder are, thumping hell out of children and the disabled for wearing their countries football shirts.

Right...I know those incidents were disgraceful, but it doesn't mean all Scots behave and think like that. Notices that 100 England fans got arrested in Germany last night. All England fans must be mindless thugs then.

[mharky]

I am, and I'm gonna 'ave you

[DIDSCO]

I read that more people have been arrested at Royal Ascot for fighting than at the World Cup!

By the way Britain is generally a nasty jobbie place with alot of very nasty people.I've lived away from Britain the last 8 years, but visit 3 or 4 times every year, and every year its got worse and worse.
From my perspective its not so much illegal immigrants causing problems but more the inner-city white trash, with their nasty 'looking at me, want your head kicked in' attitude that is destroying our country. And the worse thing is these white trash people are having kids, and breeding even worse copies of themselves.

Last time I was back in Britain, my girlfriend and my parents were having a nice meal at home in a small village outside York. During the meal we look across the fields, and what do we see? 3 kids, aged about 5, 7, and 11 throwing bricks at the cows in the field, we go out and shout at them to stop. We go back in, and within 5 minutes their back outside throwing bricks at the cows again.


I'd go mad if I had to spend any longer than 2 weeks in Britain. Britain has gone mad

[Gross]

From my perspective its not so much illegal immigrants causing problems but more the inner-city white trash, with their nasty 'looking at me, want your head kicked in' attitude that is destroying our country. And the worse thing is these white trash people are having kids, and breeding even worse copies of themselves.

It'll be ok in the long run. We have to include these people in orienteering & since we'll all be CRB checked they'll know they will be safe..............

[Harley]

I will try to be generous and assume that Klebe’s hard working squirrel is the rare red variety. The more common grey, although well established, is historically also an immigrant to these lands. It’s an intolerant bully which robs its neighbours indiscriminately. It’s also a proven liar with no morals which makes up stories about what has happened to its nuts – don’t believe all they tell you, they’ll make you look a right ass.

As someone who has lived and worked with inner-city families for 50 years, I have direct experience of our multicultural society, and I tend to agree with Didsco; the most abhorrent members of our society are the ‘chavs’ of the sprawling white council estates. That is not to condemn all council estate dwellers as losers, there are good and bad in all communities. However, one overriding feature of immigrant communities is their desire to progress and improve their lot, and to achieve this in a climate of intolerance and racism – this is not a trait I identify with chavland.. If you have any doubts about this then just look at the stats for educational attainment or at the lists of wealthy entrepreneurs. Take an objective view on this issue; it’s just too important to abandon your thinking to the bigoted editors of our tabloid press – especially if that is your only experience of immigrant communities.

[RS]

Well said, Dids and Hartley.

Btw Dids, what happened to those brill stories/reminisces you used to write. Bring 'em back!