1. Under no circumstances may two men share an umbrella.
2. It is OK for a man to cry ONLY under the following circumstances:
a. When heroic dog dies to save it's master.
b. The moment Angelina Jolie starts to unbutton her blouse.
c. After wrecking your boss' car.
d. One hour, 12 minutes, 37 seconds into the "Crying Game".
e. When she is using her teeth.
3. Any man who brings a camera to a bachelor party maybe legally killed
and eaten by his buddies.
4. Unless he murdered someone in your family, you must bail a friend out
of jail within 12 hours.
5. If you've know a guy for more that 24 hours, his sister is off limits
forever unless you actually marry her.
6. Moaning about the brand of free beer in a buddy's fridge is
forbidden, however complain at will if the temperature is unsuitable.
7. No man shall ever be required to buy a birthday present for another
man. In fact remembering your buddy's birthday is strictly optional.
8. On a road trip, the strongest bladder determines pit stops, not the
weakest.
9. When stumbling upon other guys watching a sporting event, you may ask
the score of the game, but you may never ask who's playing.
10. You may flatulate in front of a women only after you have brought
her to climax. If you trap her head under the covers for the purpose of
flatulent entertainment, she's officially your girlfriend.
11. It is permissible to drink a fruity alcohol drink only when you're
sunning on a tropical beach....and it's delivered by a top-less model
and only when it's free.
12. Only in situations of moral and/or physical peril are you allowed to
kick another guy in the nuts.
13. Unless you're in prison, never fight naked.
14. Friends don't let friends wear Speedos. Never. Issue closed.
15. If a man's fly is down, that's his problem, you didn't see anything.
16. Women who claim they "love to watch sports" must be treated as spies
until they demonstrate knowledge of the game and the ability to drink as
much as the other sports watchers.
17. A man in the company of a hot, suggestively dressed women must
remain sober enough to fight.
18. Never hesitate to reach for the last beer or the last slice of
pizza, but not both, that's just greedy.
19. If you compliment a guy on his six pack, you'd better be talking
about his choice of beer.
20. Never join your girlfriend or wife in discussing a friend of yours,
except if she's withholding sex pending your response.
21. Phrases that may NOT be uttered to another man while lifting
weights:
a. Yeah, Baby, Push it!
b. C'mon, give me one more, Harder!
c. Another set and we can hit the showers!
22. Never talk to a man in a bathroom unless you are on equal footing:
ie. Both urinating, both waiting in line, etc. For all other situations,
an almost imperceptible nod is all the conversation you need.
23. Never allow a phone conversation with a women to go on longer than
you are able to have sex with her. Keep a stopwatch by the phone. Hang
up if necessary.
24. The morning after you and a girl who was formerly "just a friend"
have carnal drunken monkey sex, the fact that you're feeling weird and
guilty is no reason for you not to nail each other again before the
discussion about what a mistake it was occurs.
25. It is acceptable for you to drive her car. It is not acceptable for
her to drive yours.
26. Thou shall not buy a car in the colors of brown, pink, lime green,
orange or sky blue.
27. The girl who replies to the question "What do you want for
Christmas?" with "If you loved me, you'd know what I want!" gets an
Xbox. End of story.
28. There is no reason for a man to watch Ice Skating or Men's
Gymnastics. Ever.
We've all heard about people having guts or balls. But do you really
know the difference between them? In an effort to keep you informed, the
definitions of each are listed below.
GUTS- Is arriving home late after a night with the guys, being assaulted
by your wife with a broom, and having the guts to ask "Are you still
cleaning or are you flying somewhere?"
BALLS- Is coming home late after a night with the guys, smelling of
beer, perfume, lipstick on you collar, slapping your wife on the ass and
having the balls to say. "You're next!"
We hope this clears up any confusion.
International Council of Manhood.
Note: I think Rule #28 should specify FIGURE skating. I think
it's perfectly fine, even recommended, to watch men ice skate, as long
as they are also using sticks to pass a puck around and occasionally
beating the crap out of each other. And they say women are better at
multi-tasking?!
INTERNATIONAL RULES OF MANHOOD.
Moderators: [nope] cartel, team nopesport
5 posts
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INTERNATIONAL RULES OF MANHOOD.
by Shea » Mon Apr 10, 2006 9:39 pm
Separated, we fall one by one; united, we fall all at once.
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Shea - addict
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by paddy » Tue Apr 11, 2006 11:01 am
haha very good mr oboyle.
dunno about 14 though, nothing beats a good pair of speedos!
An Irishman was having coffee and croissants with butter and jam in a cafe when an English tourist, chewing gum, sat down next to him. The Irishman politely ignored the Englishman, who, nevertheless, started up a conversation.
The Englishman snapped his gum and asked, "Do you Irish people eat the whole bread?"
The Irishman frowned, annoyed with being bothered during his breakfast, and replied, "Of course."
The Englishman blew a huge bubble. "We don't. In England, we only eat what's inside. We collect the crusts in a container, recycle them, transform them into croissants and sell them to Ireland." The Englishman had a smirk on his face. The Irishman listened in silence.
The Englishman persisted. "Do you eat jam
with the bread?" Sighing, the Irishman replied, "Of course."
Cracking his gum between his teeth, the Englishman said, "We don't. In England, we eat fresh fruit for breakfast, then we put all the peels, seeds, and leftovers in containers, recycle them, transform them into jam and sell it to Ireland.
"The Irishman then asked, "Do you have sex in England?" The Englishman smiled and said, "Why of course we do."The Irishman leaned closer to him and asked, "And what do you do with the condoms once you've used them?"
"We throw them away, of course," replied the Englishman. Now it was the Irishman's turn to smile. "We don't. In Ireland, we put them in a container, recycle them, melt them down into chewing gum and sell them to England. Why do you think it's called 'Wrigley's'?"
dunno about 14 though, nothing beats a good pair of speedos!
An Irishman was having coffee and croissants with butter and jam in a cafe when an English tourist, chewing gum, sat down next to him. The Irishman politely ignored the Englishman, who, nevertheless, started up a conversation.
The Englishman snapped his gum and asked, "Do you Irish people eat the whole bread?"
The Irishman frowned, annoyed with being bothered during his breakfast, and replied, "Of course."
The Englishman blew a huge bubble. "We don't. In England, we only eat what's inside. We collect the crusts in a container, recycle them, transform them into croissants and sell them to Ireland." The Englishman had a smirk on his face. The Irishman listened in silence.
The Englishman persisted. "Do you eat jam
with the bread?" Sighing, the Irishman replied, "Of course."
Cracking his gum between his teeth, the Englishman said, "We don't. In England, we eat fresh fruit for breakfast, then we put all the peels, seeds, and leftovers in containers, recycle them, transform them into jam and sell it to Ireland.
"The Irishman then asked, "Do you have sex in England?" The Englishman smiled and said, "Why of course we do."The Irishman leaned closer to him and asked, "And what do you do with the condoms once you've used them?"
"We throw them away, of course," replied the Englishman. Now it was the Irishman's turn to smile. "We don't. In Ireland, we put them in a container, recycle them, melt them down into chewing gum and sell them to England. Why do you think it's called 'Wrigley's'?"
-
paddy - blue
- Posts: 497
- Joined: Fri May 28, 2004 5:05 pm
- Location: Uppsala
by DesignatedDriver » Tue Apr 11, 2006 11:37 am
1 Why do we press harder on a remote control when we know the batteries are flat?
2 Why do banks charge a fee on "insufficient funds" when they know there is not enough?
3 Why does someone believe you when you say there are four billion stars, but check when you say the paint is wet?
4 Why doesn't glue stick to the bottle?
5 Why do they use sterilised needles for death by lethal injection?
6 Why doesn't Tarzan have a beard?
7 Why does Superman stop bullets with his chest, but ducks when you throw a gun at him?
8 Why do Kamikaze pilots wear helmets?
9 Whose idea was it to put an "S" in the word "lisp"?
10 What is the speed of darkness?
11 Are there especially reserved parking spaces for "normal" people at The Special Olympics?
12 If you send someone 'Styrofoam', how do you pack it?
13 If the temperature is zero outside today and it's going to be twice as cold tomorrow, how cold will it be?
14 If people evolved from apes, why are there still apes?
15 If it's true that we are here to help others, what are the others doing here?
16 Do married people live longer than single ones or does it only seem longer?
17 If someone with a split personality threatens to commit suicide, is it a hostage situation?
18 Can you cry under water?
19 What level of importance must a person have, before they are considered assassinated instead of just murdered?
20 If money doesn't grow on trees then why do banks have branches?
21 Why does a round pizza come in a square box?
22 How is it that we put man on the moon before we figured out it would be a good idea to put wheels on bigger suitcases?
23 Why is it that people say they "slept like a baby" when babies wake up every two hours?
24 If a deaf person has to go to court, is it still called a hearing?
25 Why do people pay to go up tall buildings and then put money in binoculars to look at things on the ground?
i should probably clear all these old jokes and funnies off my hard drive - i am sure work would frown upon this poor use of company equipment
2 Why do banks charge a fee on "insufficient funds" when they know there is not enough?
3 Why does someone believe you when you say there are four billion stars, but check when you say the paint is wet?
4 Why doesn't glue stick to the bottle?
5 Why do they use sterilised needles for death by lethal injection?
6 Why doesn't Tarzan have a beard?
7 Why does Superman stop bullets with his chest, but ducks when you throw a gun at him?
8 Why do Kamikaze pilots wear helmets?
9 Whose idea was it to put an "S" in the word "lisp"?
10 What is the speed of darkness?
11 Are there especially reserved parking spaces for "normal" people at The Special Olympics?
12 If you send someone 'Styrofoam', how do you pack it?
13 If the temperature is zero outside today and it's going to be twice as cold tomorrow, how cold will it be?
14 If people evolved from apes, why are there still apes?
15 If it's true that we are here to help others, what are the others doing here?
16 Do married people live longer than single ones or does it only seem longer?
17 If someone with a split personality threatens to commit suicide, is it a hostage situation?
18 Can you cry under water?
19 What level of importance must a person have, before they are considered assassinated instead of just murdered?
20 If money doesn't grow on trees then why do banks have branches?
21 Why does a round pizza come in a square box?
22 How is it that we put man on the moon before we figured out it would be a good idea to put wheels on bigger suitcases?
23 Why is it that people say they "slept like a baby" when babies wake up every two hours?
24 If a deaf person has to go to court, is it still called a hearing?
25 Why do people pay to go up tall buildings and then put money in binoculars to look at things on the ground?
i should probably clear all these old jokes and funnies off my hard drive - i am sure work would frown upon this poor use of company equipment
Puer tantus fio et effugam
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DesignatedDriver - diehard
- Posts: 622
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- Location: just West of East, a little South of North
by Fratello de Pingu » Tue Apr 11, 2006 12:47 pm
DesignatedDriver wrote:10 What is the speed of darkness?
Shorley it sould be the speed of dark
DesignatedDriver wrote:13 If the temperature is zero outside today and it's going to be twice as cold tomorrow, how cold will it be?
if it is celcius then it will be -136.5
DesignatedDriver wrote:20 If money doesn't grow on trees then why do banks have branches?
because moeny grows on branches
DesignatedDriver wrote:21 Why does a round pizza come in a square box?
it easier to mass produce
DesignatedDriver wrote:22 How is it that we put man on the moon before we figured out it would be a good idea to put wheels on bigger suitcases?
'cos people are stupid
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Fratello de Pingu - light green
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- Joined: Tue Sep 06, 2005 12:46 pm
- Location: how am i suposed to know
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