with less than a week and four power naps to go i thought i would look into the archives to find the hero who inspires me to get stuck in this weekend
(Kari Campbell singing Walking in Memphis is up there but unfortunatly can't beat this guy)
Chuck Norris' tears cure cancer. Too bad he has never cried.
Rather than being birthed like a normal child, Chuck Norris instead decided to punch his way out of his mother's womb. Shortly thereafter he grew a beard.
Chuck Norris sold his soul to the devil for his rugged good looks and unparalleled martial arts ability. Shortly after the transaction was finalized, Chuck roundhouse kicked the devil in the face and took his soul back. The devil, who appreciates irony, couldn't stay mad and admitted he should have seen it coming. They now play poker every second Wednesday of the month.
Chuck Norris won Jumanji without ever saying the word. He simply beat the living jobby out of everything that was thrown at him, and the game forfeited.
Chuck Norris does not sleep. He waits.
Chuck Norris once roundhouse kicked someone so hard that his foot broke the speed of light, went back in time, and killed Amelia Earhart while she was flying over the Pacific Ocean.
Chuck Norris's girlfriend once asked him how much wood a woodchuck could chuck if a woodchuck could chuck wood. He then shouted, HOW DARE YOU RHYME IN THE PRESENCE OF CHUCK NORRIS! and ripped out her throat. Holding his girlfriend's bloody throat in his hand he bellowed, Don't nope with Chuck! Two years and five months later he realized the irony of this statement and laughed so hard that anyone within a hundred mile radius of the blast went deaf.
Chuck Norris built a time machine and went back in time to stop the JFK assassination. As Oswald shot, Chuck met all three bullets with his beard, deflecting them. JFK's head exploded out of sheer amazement.
To prove it isn't that big of a deal to beat cancer, Chuck Norris smoked 15 cartons of cigarettes a day for 2 years and acquired 7 different kinds of cancer only to rid them from his body by flexing for 30 minutes. Beat that, Lance Armstrong.
Chuck Norris doesn't read books. He stares them down until he gets the information he wants.
Chuck Norris was the fourth Wiseman. He brought baby Jesus the gift of beard. Jesus wore it proudly to his dying day. The other Wisemen, jealous of Jesus' obvious gift favoritism, used their combined influence to have Chuck omitted from the Bible. Shortly after all three died of roundhouse kick related deaths.
Chuck Norris is currently suing NBC, claiming Law and Order are trademarked names for his left and right legs.
The chief export of Chuck Norris is pain.
Chuck Norris is not hung like a horse... horses are hung like Chuck Norris
Chuck Norris lost his virginity before his dad did.
If you can see Chuck Norris, he can see you. If you can't see Chuck Norris you may be only seconds away from death.
Chuck Norris does not have AIDS but he gives it to people anyway.
When Chuck Norris sends in his taxes, he sends blank forms and includes only a picture of himself, crouched and ready to attack. Chuck Norris has not had to pay taxes ever.
Chuck Norris can make a woman climax by simply pointing at her and saying booya.
When Chuck Norris plays Oregon Trail his family does not die from cholera or dysentery, but rather roundhouse kicks to the face. He also requires no wagon, since he carries the oxen, axels, and buffalo meat on his back. He always makes it to Oregon before you.
Chuck Norris recently had the idea to sell his urine as a canned beverage. We know this beverage as Red Bull.
When Chuck Norris has sex with a man, it is not because he is gay, but because he has run out of women.
After much debate, President Truman decided to drop the atomic bomb on Hiroshima rather than the alternative of sending Chuck Norris. His reasoning? It was more humane.
Chuck Norris once ate three 72 oz. steaks in one hour. He spent the first 45 minutes having sex with his waitress.
Chuck Norris once shot a German plane down with his finger, by yelling, Bang!
The original theme song to the Transformers was actually Chuck Norris--more than meets the eye, Chuck Norris--robot in disguise, and starred Chuck Norris as a Texas Ranger who defended the earth from drug-dealing Decepticons and could turn into a pick-up. This was far too much awesome for a single show, however, so it was divided.
MacGyver can build an airplane out of gum and paper clips, but Chuck Norris can kill him and take it.
Chuck Norris frequently signs up for beginner karate classes, just so he can accidentally beat the jobby out of little kids.
One of the greatest cover-ups of the last century was the fact that Hitler did not commit suicide in his bunker, but was in fact tea-bagged to death by Chuck Norris.
Chuck Norris appeared in the Street Fighter II video game, but was removed by Beta Testers because every button caused him to do a roundhouse kick. When asked bout this glitch, Norris replied, That's no glitch.
now go here; http://www.chucknorris.com/
Chuck Norris
Moderators: [nope] cartel, team nopesport
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Chuck Norris
nope it i still have the coolest hat in school
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eddie - [nope] cartel
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eddie wrote:...tea-bagged to death...
i laughed so hard i noped my pants
nice eddie.
very nice.
Puer tantus fio et effugam
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DesignatedDriver - diehard
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- Location: just West of East, a little South of North
the best bit on the website is chucks response. whata man he even manages to plug his recent book...
IN RESPONSE TO THE "RANDOM FACTS" THAT ARE BEING GENERATED ON THE INTERNET
I'm aware of the made up declarations about me that have recently begun to appear on the Internet and in emails as "Chuck Norris facts." I've seen some of them. Some are funny. Some are pretty far out. Being more a student of the Wild West than the wild world of the Internet, I'm not quite sure what to make of it. It's quite surprising. I do know that boys will be boys, and I neither take offense nor take these things too seriously. Who knows, maybe these made up one-liners will prompt young people to seek out the real facts as found in my recent autobiographical book, "Against All Odds?" They may even be interested enough to check out my novels set in the Old West, "The Justice Riders," released this month. I'm very proud of these literary efforts.
~ Chuck Norris
IN RESPONSE TO THE "RANDOM FACTS" THAT ARE BEING GENERATED ON THE INTERNET
I'm aware of the made up declarations about me that have recently begun to appear on the Internet and in emails as "Chuck Norris facts." I've seen some of them. Some are funny. Some are pretty far out. Being more a student of the Wild West than the wild world of the Internet, I'm not quite sure what to make of it. It's quite surprising. I do know that boys will be boys, and I neither take offense nor take these things too seriously. Who knows, maybe these made up one-liners will prompt young people to seek out the real facts as found in my recent autobiographical book, "Against All Odds?" They may even be interested enough to check out my novels set in the Old West, "The Justice Riders," released this month. I'm very proud of these literary efforts.
~ Chuck Norris
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paddy - blue
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- Location: Uppsala
after reading Chucks response i am instantly reminded of an episode of the Simpsons - when Bart is up in front of the judge again, for more misdemeanours.
and the judge simply rules, "ah well, boys will be boys. Court Adjourned."
Chuck seems to be of a similar mindset.
"Yes your honour, I am aware I killed fourteen chavs and a bus of school children, after I round house kicked the speeding train through that council estate, but if I may offer my defense:
Boys will be boys?"
Not Guilty methinks.
and the judge simply rules, "ah well, boys will be boys. Court Adjourned."
Chuck seems to be of a similar mindset.
"Yes your honour, I am aware I killed fourteen chavs and a bus of school children, after I round house kicked the speeding train through that council estate, but if I may offer my defense:
Boys will be boys?"
Not Guilty methinks.
Puer tantus fio et effugam
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DesignatedDriver - diehard
- Posts: 622
- Joined: Sun Dec 05, 2004 5:34 pm
- Location: just West of East, a little South of North
Texac Ranger with Chuck dubbed into lithuanian by a 46 yo women makes it funnier:)
Go orienteering in Lithuania......... best in the world:)
Real Name - Gross
http://www.scottishotours.info
Real Name - Gross
http://www.scottishotours.info
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Gross - god
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- Location: Heading back to Scotland
Re: Chuck Norris
Chuck Norris doesn't collect features, the features collect him.
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moritzol - string
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