its not big, and its certainly not clever

[DesignatedDriver]

stop laughing.

seriously. its not funny. don't laugh.

[DesignatedDriver]

Donald Rumsfeld is giving the president his daily briefing. He
concludes by saying:  "Yesterday, 3 Brazilian soldiers were killed in
an accident'

"OH NO!" the President exclaims.  "That's terrible!"
His staff sits stunned at this display of emotion, nervously watching
as the president sits, head in hands Finally, the President looks up
and asks..........

''How many is a Brazillion ??!'

[DesignatedDriver]

An English family head out one Saturday to do some shopping. While in
the
sports shop the son picks up a Scotlandfootball shirt and says to his
sister, "I've decided to be a Scotland Supporter and I would like this
for my birthday".

His sister is outraged by this and promptly whacks him round the head
and says, "Go talk to your mother".

So off goes the little lad with the Blue Football shirt in hand and
finds his mother. "Mum?"

"Yes son?"

"I've decided I'm going to be a Scotlandsupporter and I would like
this shirt for my birthday".

The mother is outraged at this, promptly whacks him around the head
and says, "Go talk to your father".

Off he goes with the football shirt in hand and finds his
father."Dad?"

"Yes son?"

"I've decided I'm going to be a Scotlandsupporter and I would like
this shirt for my birthday".

The father is outraged and promptly whacks his son around the head and
says: "No son of mine is ever going to be seen in THAT!"

About half an hour later they're all back in the car and heading
towards home. The father turns to his son and says "Son, I hope you've
learned something today?"

The son says, "Yes dad I have, I have."

"Good son, what is it?"

The son replies, "I've only been a Scotlandsupporter for an hour and
already I hate you English b@st@rds!"

[DesignatedDriver]

Did you hear about the gay magician?


he disappeared with a poof

[Guest]

Love the jokes. Thanks

[Guest]

I take it you're feeling better?

[Guest]

What a coincidence! I was 1st guest only!

[DesignatedDriver]

definitely not!!

this is about all i am good for at this stage.

> > 1. Two blondes walk into a building........ .. you'd think at
> >
> > least one of them would have seen it
> >
> >
> >
> > 2. Phone answering machine message - "...If you want to
> buy
> >
> > marijuana, press the hash key..."
> >
> >
> >
> > 3. A guy walks into the psychiatrist wearing only
> Clingfilm
>
> >for
> >
> > shorts. The shrink says, "Well, I can clearly see you're
> >nuts."
> >
> >
> >
> > 4. I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day
> but
>
> >I
> >
> > couldn't find any.
> >
> >
> >
> > 5. I went to the butchers the other day and I bet him
> 50
> >quid
> >
> > that he couldn't reach the meat off the top shelf. He said,
> "No,
> >the
> >
> > steaks are too high."
> >
> >
> >
> > 6. My friend drowned in a bowl of muesli. A strong
> currant
> >
> > pulled him in.
> >
> >
> >
> > 7. A man came round in hospital after a serious
> accident.
> >He
> >
> > shouted, "Doctor,doctor, I can't feel my legs!" The doctor
> replied
>
> >"I
> >
> > know you can't, I've cut your arms off".
> >
> >
> >
> > 8. I went to a seafood disco last week...and pulled a
> >muscle.
> >
> >
> >
> > 9. Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly. They lit
> a
> >fire
> >
> > in the craft, it sank, proving once and for all that you can't
>
> >have your
> >
> > kayak and heat it too.
> >
> >
> >
> > 10. Our ice cream man was found lying on the floor of
> his
> >van
> >
> > covered with hundreds and thousands. Police say that he topped
>
> >himself.
> >
> >
> >
> > 11. Man goes to the doctor, with a strawberry growing
> out
> >of his
> >
> > head. Doc says "I'll give you some cream to put on it."
> >
> >
> >
> > 12. 'Doc I can't stop singing The Green, Green Grass of
>
> >Home'.
> >
> > "That sounds like Tom Jones syndrome." 'Is it common?' "It's
> not
> >
> > unusual."
> >
> >
> >
> > 13. A man takes his Rottweiler to the vet. "My dog is
> >
> > cross-eyed, is there anything you can do for him?" "Well,"
> said
> >the vet,
> >
> > "let's have a look at him". So he picks the dog up and
> examines
> >his
> >
> > eyes, then he checks his teeth. Finally, he says, "I'm going
> to
> >have to
> >
> > put him down." "What? Because he's cross-eyed?" "No, because
> he's
> >
> > really heavy".
> >
> >
> >
> > 14. Guy goes into the doctor's. "Doc, I've got a
> cricket
> >ball
> >
> > stuck up my backside." "...How's that?" "Don't you start."
> >
> >
> >
> > 15. Two elephants walk off a cliff...boom, boom!
> >
> >
> >
> > 16. What do you call a fish with no eyes? A fsh.
> >
> >
> >
> > 17. So I was getting into my car, and this bloke says
> to me
>
> >"Can
> >
> > you give me a lift?" I said "Sure. You look great ... the
> world's
> >your
> >
> > oyster ... go for it."
> >
> >
> >
> > 18. Apparently, 1 in 5 people in the world are Chinese.
>
> >There
> >
> > are 5 people in my family, so it must be one of them. It's
> either
> >my mum
> >
> > or my Dad,or my older Brother Colin, or my younger Brother
> >Ho-Cha-Chu?
> >
> > But I think its Colin.
> >
> >
> >
> > 19. Two fat blokes in a pub, one says to the other
> "Your
> >round."
> >
> > The other one says "So are you, you fat bast**d!"
> >
> >
> >
> > 20. Police arrested two kids yesterday, one was
> drinking
> >battery
> >
> > acid, and the other was eating fireworks. They charged one and
> let
>
> >the
> >
> > other one off.
> >
> >
> >
> > 21. "You know, somebody actually complimented me on my
> >driving
> >
> > today." They left a little note on the windscreen. It said,
> >'Parking
> >
> > Fine.' "So that was nice."
> >
> >
> >
> > 22. A man walked into the doctors, he said, "I've hurt
> my
> >arm in
> >
> > several places". The doctor said, "Well don't go there
> anymore".
> >
> >
> >
> > 23. Ireland's worst air disaster occurred early this
> >morning
> >
> > when a small two-seater Cessna plane crashed into a cemetery.
> >Irish
> >
> > search and rescue workers have recovered 1826 bodies so far
> and
> >expect
> >
> > that number to climb as digging continues into the night.

[Nailest]

The title of this thread reminds of the punchline to another joke, about why you should never mock a mentally challenged dwarf.

[DesignatedDriver]

> MICHAEL Buerk watching Phillipa Forrester cuddle up to a male
>astronomer for warmth during BBC1's UK eclipse coverage remarked:
>"They seem cold out there, they're rubbing each other and he's only
>come in his shorts."
> > >
> Ken Brown commentating on golfer Nick Faldo and his caddie Fanny
>Sunneson lining-up shots at the Scottish Open: "Some weeks Nick likes
>to use Fanny,other weeks he prefers to do it by himself."
> > >
> MIKE Hallett discussing missed snooker shots on Sky Sports:
> "Stephen Hendry jumps on Steve Davis's misses every chance he gets."
> > >
> JACK Burnicle was talking about Colin Edwards' tyre choice on World
>Superbike racing: "Colin had a hard on in practice earlier, and I bet
>he wished he had a hard on now."
> > >
> Chris Tarrant discussing the first Millionaire winner Judith Keppel on
>This Morning: "She was practising fastest finger first by herself in
>bed last night."
> > >
> WINNING Post's Stewart Machin commentating on jockey Tony McCoy's
>formidable
> lead: "Tony has a quick look between his legs and likes what he sees."
> > >
> ROSS King discussing relays with champion runner Phil Redmond:
> "Well Phil, tell us about your amazing third leg."
> > >
> CRICKETER Neil Fairbrother hit a single during a Durham v Lancashire
>match, inspiring Bobby Simpson to observe: "With his lovely soft hands
>he just tossed it off."
> > >
> CLAIR Frisby talking about a jumbo hot dog on Look North said:
> "There's nothing like a big hot sausage inside you on a cold night
>like this."
> > >
> JAMES Allen interviewing Ralf Schumacher at a Grand Prix, asked:
> "What does it feel like being rammed up the backside by Barrichello?"
> > >
> STEVE Ryder covering the US Masters: "Ballesteros felt much better
>today after a 69."
> > >
> THE new stand at Doncaster race course took Brough Scott's breath
>away..."My word," he said. "Look at that magnificent erection."
> > >
> WILLIE Carson was telling Claire Balding how jockeys prepare for a big
>race when he said: "They usually have four or five dreams a night about
>coming from different positions."
> > >
> CARENZA Lewis about finding food in the Middle Ages on Time Team Live
>said: "You'd eat beaver if you could get it."
> > >
> A female news anchor who, the day after it was supposed to have snowed
>and didn't, turned to the weatherman and asked, "So Bob, where's that
>eight inches you promised me last night?" Not only did HE have to
>leave the set, but half the crew did too, because they were laughing so
>hard!
> > >
> US PGA Commentator - "One of the reasons Arnie (Arnold Palmer) is
>playing so well is that, before each tee shot, his wife takes out his
>balls and kisses them .... Oh my god!!!!! What have I just said?!!!!"
> > >
> Metro Radio - "Julian Dicks is everywhere. It's like they've got
>eleven Dicks on the field."
> > >
> Harry Carpenter at the Oxford-Cambridge boat race 1977 - "Ah, isn't
>that nice. The wife of the Cambridge President is kissing the Cox of
>the Oxford crew."
> > >
> Ted Walsh- Horse Racing Commentator - "This is really a lovely horse.
>I once rode her mother."
> > >
> New Zealand Rugby Commentator - "Andrew Mehrtens loves it when Daryl
>Gibson comes inside of him."
> > >
> Pat Glenn- Weightlifting commentator - "And this is Gregoriava from
>Bulgaria. I saw her snatch this morning and it was amazing!

as you can see, i get sent a lot of cr*p jokes.

[Stodgetta]

Did someone mention mentally challenged dwarfs?

The seven dwarfs go to the vatican and they are ushered in to see the pope. Dopey leads the pack.
"Dopey, my son," says the pope, "What can I do for you?"
Dopey asks "Excuse me, Your Excellency, but are there any dwarf nuns in Rome?"
The pope wrinles his brow at the odd question, thinks for a moment and answers, "No, Dopey, there are no dwarf nuns in Rome."
In the background a few of the other dwarfs start giggling. Dopey turns round and glares at them and silences them.
Dopey turns back to the pope, with a worried expression and asks "Your Worship, are there any dwarf nuns in all of Europe?"
The pope, puzzled now, again thinks for a moment and the says "Dopey there are no dwarf nuns in all of Europe."
This time, all of the other dwarfs burst into laughter. Once again Dopey turns round a silences them with an angry glare.
Dopey turns back and says "Your Extreme Holiness, are there ANY dwarf nuns ! any where in the world?"
After consulting with his advisors, the pope responds, "I'm sorry my son, there are no dwarf nuns any where in the world."
The other dwarfs collapse in a heap, rolling, laughing and pounding the floor, tears streaming down their cheekc as thet begin chanting..............
"Dopey sh****ed a penguin!"
"Dopey sh****ed a penguin!"
"Dopey sh****ed a penguin!"

[Nailest]

I suppose we could adapt the old Mickey/Goofy joke to this scenario.

Prince Charming is trying to get a divorce from Snow White. The judge tells him "you can't divorce her just because she's stupid."
"I never said she was stupid", replied the prince, "I said she's f*cking Dopey".

[DesignatedDriver]

another one

[King Penguin]

On the sporting theme, and showing my age :

The cricket commentator, describing the scene : "The bowlers' Holden, the batsman's Willie".

The cricket commenmtator, after the batsman was hit in the nether regions by the fifth delivery of the over : "One ball to go".

The (female) motorbike racing commentator who described Barry Sheene as "The man with 500cc of raw power throbbing between his legs"

[peterb]

Mr and Mrs Jones go to church every Sunday. Mrs Jones has a problem with her husband in that he keeps falling asleep during the reverends sermons. So she goes to see him one day, and says, "Reverend, I have a problem: My husband keeps falling asleep during your sermons. It's very embarrassing. What should I do?"

"I have an idea," said the minister. "Take this hatpin with you. I will be able to tell when Mr Jones is sleeping, and I will motion to you at specific times. When I motion to you, give him a good poke in the leg."

In church the following Sunday, Mr Jones dozed off. Noticing this, the preacher put his plan to work. "And who made the ultimate sacrifice for you?" he said, nodding to Mrs Jones.

"Jesus!", Jones cried as his wife jabbed him in the leg with the hatpin.

"Yes, you are right, Mr Jones," said the minister.

Soon, Mr Jones nodded off again. Again, the minister noticed. "Who is your redeemer?" he asked the congregation, motioning towards Mrs Jones.

"God!" Mr Jones cried out as he was stuck again with the hatpin.

"Right again," said the minister, smiling.

Before long, Mr Jones again winked off. However, this time the minister did not
notice. As he picked up the tempo of his sermon, he made a few motions that Mrs Jones mistook as signals to bayonet her
husband with the hatpin again.

The minister asked, "And what did Eve say to Adam after she bore him his 99th son?"

Mrs Jones poked her husband, who yelled, "You stick that goddamned thing in me one more time and I'll break it in half and shove it up your ass!"