Orienteering Cheating HOWTO
Mostly fictional account of how to cheat in modern day orienteering.
Primarily SI Related
1. Turn a single person's race into a relay, where a collection of people do one race, passing the SI-card / control card / emit at the changover. The original competitor then makes his/her way to the finish to complete the course. This *should* reduce overall time if all members of the team are decent orienteers.
2. Inspect your opponents compasses at the start, claiming that you are doing an experiment comparing compass needle speeds. When you have collected the compasses, demagnetise them using a very strong magnet or smash them on the nearest rock. Carry round strong electromagnet powered by head torch backpack. Switching the magnet on and off rapidly will generate a sufficiently pulsating magnetic field to wipe all SI cards within a 5 metre radius. Make sure you wrap yours in a foil lined crisp packet to protect yours.
3. This works well at multi-day events. The night before the race, spend time with your opponents at the local watering hole. Challenge your opponents to a vodka drinking competition. Speak to the bar person prior to arriving and arrange shots of water to be served to you instead of vodka. This way you can go forever and watch as your opponents race towards comatose.
4. Buy yourself an SI-Card programmer and attach it to a laptop with a decent portable power supply. After starting your course run towards the end of the course where your electronic equipment is stored. Then program your si-card with the information obtained from the control descriptions making up decent splits for the legs. Then finish the course as fast as possible. This could result in a winning time. Portable si-card programmers available on request.
5. Buy / Collect some horse manure, although human faeces works better. Get an early start and at each control fill the si-unit with an amount of the faeces. No-one in the right mind will punch at this control and will have to use the old fashioned punch instead. This will save you valuable second. (as long as your faeces flow is up to scratch)
6. Impersonate the event organiser and tell your rivals that the event has been cancelled. This should thin out the field substantially and could create the situation for a easy win and some cheap ranking points.
7. Hire a bear costume and go out in the forest scaring people. This might help them to make mistakes. Wear a bullet proof vest if the Firing Range Symbol appears on the map.
8. Buy / Steal and electro-magnetic pulse weapon from the Russians. (http://www.powerlabs.org/emguns.htm , http://www.airpower.maxwell.af.mil/airc ... pjemp.html) When out orienteering at night, let it off (requires the power of a family car) and any working headtorch within a 5 mile radius will be rendered useless. Note: make sure it isnt your car
9. Fireworks. Get a friend to provide a fireworks display. This may make opponents stop and admire during their run, gaining you valuable seconds. Can also lead to complaints from pram pushers and those of a nervous disposition – it’s a close call but you’re desperate remember!
10. Girls/Boys. Hire some escorts / sarah brown to hang out at controls and proposition orienteers as they pass. Orienteers are often sexually deprived beings which would gladly sacrifice a national event for a bit of action. Note: Spend time with escorts before event if you are a girl to enhance race day performance.
Orienteering Cheating HOWTO Part 1
Moderators: [nope] cartel, team nopesport
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fairly heavy read on e-bombs - more detail for that perfect night event weapon.
http://www.globalsecurity.org/org/news/ ... bomb01.htm
http://www.globalsecurity.org/org/news/ ... bomb01.htm
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pyrat - [nope] cartel
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I think the reference to Sarah Browne in this message is tasteless and unfair. Where is the moderator?
One should be careful when trying to lure your opposition by use of the Sarah Browne technique. Tests by elite athletes have proven that, in certain circumstances, the use of Miss B may be performance enhancing.
However, the misuse of this substance can be extremely destructive. You have been warned!
One should be careful when trying to lure your opposition by use of the Sarah Browne technique. Tests by elite athletes have proven that, in certain circumstances, the use of Miss B may be performance enhancing.
However, the misuse of this substance can be extremely destructive. You have been warned!
He’s not a real uncle, you know.
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UncleDickie - nope uncle
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- Joined: Wed Nov 05, 2003 9:32 am
- Location: S1 2HB
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