Joke of the day

[Asian]

To get the banter back into the banter page here's a joke for the day and hopefully this will be a recurring theme, banter banter everywhere except in certain peoples underwear-

Three men were standing in line to get into heaven one day. Apparently it had been a pretty busy day, though, so Peter had to tell the first one, "Heaven's getting pretty close to full today, and I've been asked to admit only people who have had particularly horrible deaths. So what's your story?"

So the first man replies: "Well, for a while I've suspected my wife has been cheating on me, so today I came home early to try to catch her red-handed. As I came into my 25th floor apartment, I could tell something was wrong, but all my searching around didn't reveal where this other guy could have been hiding. Finally, I went out to the balcony, and sure enough, there was this man hanging off the railing, 25 floors above ground! By now I was really mad, so I started beating on him and kicking him, but wouldn't you know it, he wouldn't fall off. So finally I went back into my apartment and got a hammer and starting hammering on his fingers. Of course, he couldn't stand that for long, so he let go and fell -- but even after 25 stories, he fell into the bushes, stunned but okay. I couldn't stand it anymore, so I ran into the kitchen, grabbed the fridge and threw it over the edge where it landed on him, killing him instantly. But all the stress and anger got to me, and I had a heart attack and died there on the balcony."

"That sounds like a pretty bad day to me," said Peter, and let the man in.

The second man comes up and Peter explains to him about heaven being full, and again asks for his story.

"It's been a very strange day. You see, I live on the 26th floor of my apartment building, and every morning I do my exercises out on my balcony. Well, this morning I must have slipped or something, because I fell over the edge. But I got lucky, and caught the railing of the balcony on the floor below me. I knew I couldn't hang on for very long, when suddenly this man burst out onto the balcony. I thought for sure I was saved, when he started beating on me and kicking me. I held on the best I could until he ran into the apartment and grabbed a hammer and started pounding on my hands. Finally I just let go, but again I got lucky and fell into the bushes below, stunned but all right. Just when I was thinking I was going to be okay, this refrigerator comes falling out of the sky and crushes me instantly, and now I'm here."

Once again, Peter had to concede that that sounded like a pretty horrible death.

The third man came to the front of the line, and again Peter explained that heaven was full and asked for his story.

"Picture this," says the third man, "I'm hiding inside a refrigerator..."

[pyrat]

At his request, each morning 3-year-old Ray's mother pinned a bath towel to the back shoulders of his size two T-shirt. Immediately in his young imaginative mind, the towel became a magic blue and red cape. And he became Superman.
Outfitted each day in his "cape," Ray's days were packed with adventure and daring escapades. He was Superman.

This fact was clearly pointed out last fall when his mother enrolled him in kindergarten class. During the course of the interview, the teacher asked Ray his name.

"Superman," he answered politely and without hesitation.

The teacher smiled, cast an appreciative glance at his mother, and asked again, "Your real name, please."

Again, Ray answered, "Superman."

Realizing the situation demanded more authority, or maybe to hide amusement, the teacher closed her eyes for a moment, then in a stern voice said, "I will have to have your real name for my records."

Sensing he'd have to play straight with the teacher, Ray slid his eyes around the room, hunched closer to her, and answered in a voice hushed with conspiracy, "Clark Kent."

[Klebe]

A little boy about 12 years old walked down the street dragging a
flattened frog on a string behind him. He came up to  the doorstep of a House of ill repute and knocked on the door.

When the Madam answered it, she saw the little boy  and asked what he
wanted. He said, "I want to have sex  with one of the women inside. I
have the money to buy  it, and I'm not leaving until I get it."

The Madam  figured, why not, so she told him to come in. Once in, she
told him to pick any of the girls he liked.

He asked, "Do any of the girls have any venereal diseases?" Of course
the Madam said no. He said, "I heard  all the men talking about having to
get shots after making love with Amber. THAT'S the girl I want."

Since  the little boy was so adamant and had the money to pay for it,
the cynical Madam told him to go to the first room on the right. He
headed down the hall dragging the squashed amphibian behind him.

Ten minutes later he came back, still  dragging the frog, paid the
Madam, and headed out the door. The Madam stopped him and asked, "Why did you pick the only girl in the place with a disease, instead of one of the others?"

He said, Well, if you must know, tonight when I  get home, my parents
are going out to a restaurant to eat, leaving me at home with a baby-sitter. After they leave, my baby-sitter will have sex with me because she just happens to be very fond of cute little boys. She  will then get the dose that I just caught. When Mum and  Dad get back, Dad will take the
baby-sitter home. On the way, he'll give her one in the car and he'll
catch the dose.

Then when Dad  gets home from the baby-sitter's, he and Mum will go to
bed and have sex, and Mum will catch it. In the morning  when Dad goes to work, the Milkman will deliver the milk,have a quickie with Mum and catch the clap, and
>..
>
>
>..
>
>..
>
>       HE'S THE BASTARD WHO RAN OVER MY FROG!"

[harry]

For anyone who has ever been in a car being driven by me... (especially lilywhite )

A woman got into her car and discovered that the steering wheel was gone, the radio was gone, the accelerator and brake pedals were gone.

She was just about to report it to the police when she discovered she was in the back seat.

[bedders]

God is talking to one of his angels.
He says, "Boy, I just created a 24-hour period of alternating light and darkness on Earth."
The angel says, "What are you going to do now?"
God says, "Call it a day."

[Darkfold]

It was getting close to christmas. And, as the requests started to pile up, Santa was, understandably, getting a little stressed. He'd burnt his toast, the fairy he'd sent to get a tree was late, the elves were striking over pay again and to cap it all, Rudolph had gone out with his mates, gotten drunk and wrapped the sled around a tree. It was all starting to look a bit grim.
Something small near his leg coughed. "umm, Santa, where should I put this?"
And that boys and girls is why there's a fairy atop your christmas tree.

[PeterG]

A penguin is driving through the desert when his car breaks down. Luckily for him he sees a gas station; he hikes through the stifling heat and the dusty desert air for what seems like hours until he gets there. He arrives, desperately out of his element in this dry, hot environment, and gasping for breath he asks for a mechanic.

"Well, it just so happens we repair cars here, too" said the guy at the gas station. "Let me have a look at your car. And Jesus, you're a penguin, aren't you?"

"Of course I am," gasped the penguin, knowing that if there were a merciful God in Heaven above he'd be swimming in the cold ocean right now instead of being crammed into some stupid, meaningless joke which will be told so many times that eventually it will lose all humor value so that the person being told the joke will laugh nervously at the joke-teller like they've just raped the joke-hearer's grandmother anally with a shovel and say "haha yeah, it's just ice cream."

"Then you must be incredibly hot, what with not being in Antarctica. You should get inside, grab some ice cream from the freezer. Cool down, little man."

The penguin briefly considered correcting the mechanic, pointing out that he wasn't one of the species of penguin which lives in Antarctica, but he quickly realized the futility in such an action and decided against it. People don't ever really listen anyway; once they've made up their minds there's no way of opening them back up. Besides, correcting people just pisses them off, and the penguin could definitely see himself getting stuck out here in the middle of the desert with an angry mechanic who, knowing his luck, probably had a thing for anally raping penguins.

Instead he went in to get the ice cream. As he ate it he realized that he didn't really need ice cream, that he was already in possession of a little penguin gut. His weight, as his mother might say, was becoming something of a problem. He cried a little as he realized what a pathetic, fat nope he was, and he cried even harder when he remembered his mother getting eaten by that killer whale just a few months prior. He'd never even had a chance to say goodbye to her, and now she was being gradually squirted out of some whale's asshole like yesterday's halibut, and it was technically all his fault. Maybe if he'd visited her more, maybe he could have kept her away from the whale's feeding grounds. If only...

As he sobbed harder his belly jiggled, and this made him cry even harder because he was coming to realize that no woman penguin could ever truly love a lardass like himself and that he'd most likely die alone, trapped between some killer whale's jaws and praying for a quick, painful death which would never come. He knew his death would be slow, painful, and miserable. It was what he deserved, after all. He'd basically killed his mother; why would he deserve better?

He sloppily finished the ice cream and, wiping the tears from his eyes with a flipper, he sauntered out to the mechanic to check out the progress on the car.

"How's it looking?" the penguin asked, sniffling.

"Well, it looks like you blew a seal," the mechanic said, turning around to face the penguin and his ice cream-covered mouth.

"Oh, the car blew a seal," the penguin said. "That's not too bad."

"No, it looks like you crammed a seal's penis into your mouth and sucked it until the seal ejaculated into your mouth, at which point he pulled out and shot his load all over your lips."

"nope you," the penguin said, fresh tears welling up in his eyes. "Who the nope do you think you are to judge me just because I loved Stan? He loved me, too."

"Yeah, like any penguin would ever be able to love you and that fat ass of yours," said the mechanic, turning back to the car. "Your car will be ready in an hour, you sick little fat nope."

"Oh God," sobbed the penguin, running back into the station to kill his fresh pain with more ice cream.

[Kitch]

penguins in the desert - plausible

but killer whales ?
I don't think so !

[J.Tullster]

What the?!....
Peter, where did you hear that?
Please say you didn't think it up yourself